Why Taking Care of Yourself Is One of the Most Important Things Caregivers Can Do

Caregivers inevitably put themselves last, but even small acts of self-compassion can help sustain both their health and emotional well-being.

By Paul Wynn | Brain&Life

Caregivers inevitably put themselves last, but even small acts of self-compassion can help sustain both their health and emotional well-being.

Before Susanne White became a caregiver, she believed she was well prepared for almost anything. She had led corporate teams, built a career in the music business, and performed under pressure. Caregiving shattered that confidence. The stakes felt unbearably high to care for her mom with Alzheimer’s disease. Suddenly, White of Port St. Lucie, Florida, found herself questioning everything: Was she doing enough? Was she strong enough? Was she good enough? Instead of extending herself grace, she turned inward with criticism, powering through exhaustion, resentment, and anger she believed she was not allowed to feel. 

What eventually followed was a slow, often painful reckoning—one that forced her to confront the challenges so many caregivers face and learn what self-compassion really means when caring for someone you love. “Self-compassion didn’t come naturally to me as a caregiver,” White says, reflecting on her experience, which she wrote about in her book, Self-Care for Caregivers. “It was something I had to learn intentionally.”

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion is the practice of extending the same care, patience, and understanding to yourself that you would naturally offer to someone you care about. In moments of struggle, how you treat others is often a far better guide than the voice of your inner critic. When a friend makes a mistake or feels overwhelmed, most people respond with empathy rather than judgment by listening, normalizing the difficulty, and offering encouragement, says Alison van Schie, co-host of the Self-Caregiving Strategies Podcast, a limited-series podcast with Theresa Wilbanks. “Self-compassion asks you to turn that same response inward, replacing self-blame with understanding and harsh self-talk with supportive language.” 

For caregivers, learning how to practice self-compassion can be especially challenging. Caregiving is often described as an act of love, but for many, those feelings quietly evolve into obligation, guilt, and relentless self-criticism. Caregivers frequently internalize a belief that tending to their own emotional needs is indulgent—or worse, selfish.  Over time, this mentality creates a caregiver who is compassionate toward others and unforgiving toward themselves.

“Care partnerships have to be reciprocal,” says Daniel C. Potts, MD, FAAN, a neurologist with the Tuscaloosa VA Medical Center and founder of the Cognitive Dynamics Foundation, who cared for both of his parents living with Alzheimer’s disease. “There has to be receiving as well as giving. If one does not have self-compassion, one cannot carry on the journey over the long haul.”

Dr. Potts admits that self-compassion was not on his radar when he helped his mother care for his father. Raised with the expectation that duty comes without complaint, he pushed forward until guilt eventually caught up with him. Only later did he understand that ignoring his own needs undermined his ability to show up sustainably for those he loved.

Self-Care Tips for Caregivers

Jennifer Bickel, MD, FAAN, vice president and chief wellness officer at The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, believes the problem begins with misunderstanding the concept itself.

“People sometimes think self-compassion is permission for lower standards,” she explains. “That’s not what this is about. Self-compassion is asking whether your internal dialogue is as kind as the words you would say to your best friend.”

For caregivers managing competing demands like work, family, finances, and medical complexity—often while supporting children and aging parents simultaneously—there is rarely time to pause and reflect. Over time, harsh self-talk becomes normalized.

“We’re so externally oriented,” says Dr. Bickel. “We say, ‘I have no time.’ But self-compassion isn’t about doing more or doing less. It’s about harnessing the brain’s capacity for resilience so we can do this work better.”

Nichole Goble, director of community initiatives at the Caregiver Action Network, sees this dynamic play out daily. “Caregiving is rooted in love, duty, and responsibility,” she says. “Over time, that can turn into a belief that your own needs must come last. Many caregivers internalize the idea that being ‘good’ means being tireless and emotionally steady at all times.”

What Can Caregivers Do if They Are Feeling Overwhelmed?

Experts emphasize that self-compassion starts with awareness. “You can’t change something you’re not aware of,” Dr. Bickel notes. “Most people don’t even realize how harsh their internal dialogue is.”

Goble agrees. “Caregivers are highly attuned to the needs of others but far less able to notice their own exhaustion or grief,” she says. “Self-compassion begins when caregivers allow themselves to see their own experience clearly without judgment.”

Dr. Potts recommends mindfulness not as a trend, but as a practical discipline, whether it’s journaling, practicing creativity, prayer or meditation, all of these things can help foster more self-compassion. He adds, “speaking with friends in a very vulnerable way, learning from other caregivers, listening to other people’s stories—all of these things can be helpful to help us identify our inner voice.”

One of the most damaging beliefs caregivers have is that there is a “right” way to do everything—and that falling short is a moral failure. “Give up the idea of perfection,” Dr. Potts advises. “Shoot instead for transformation. Authenticity in the presence of life’s challenges is a much more worthy goal.”

Goble echoes this sentiment, encouraging caregivers to redefine success. “Replace the question ‘Did I do everything right?’ with ‘How did I show up for my loved one today?’ That reframing allows room for humanity.”

Dr. Bickel adds that caregivers should enlist others as mirrors. “Ask someone you trust to gently call you out when they hear you being harsh with yourself,” she suggests. “Sometimes we need external awareness before internal change is possible.”

Simple Self-Compassion Practices

Susanne White’s caregiving and self-compassion journey led her to become the founder of Caregiver Warrior—a community for caregivers to learn how to survive the caregiving journey with grace and empowerment. She is candid that simply understanding the concept of self-compassion does not mean caregivers will practice it when stress escalates. In the intensity of day-to-day caregiving, self-kindness is often the first thing to disappear.

White encourages caregivers to build in external reminders—daily check-in alarms, short morning intentions, or accountability partners—to prompt reflection and change of mindset. These small, intentional prompts act as guides, helping caregivers pause, reassess how they are feeling, and reconnect with more compassionate self-talk before exhaustion and self-criticism take over.

“Caregivers don’t forget self-compassion because they don’t care, they forget because everyone else’s needs come first,” says White. “That’s why kindness toward ourselves has to be practiced, prompted, and protected.”

Dr. Potts has found creativity to be restorative and an effective way to reduce stress. Inspired by his father’s late-life discovery of watercolor painting, Dr. Potts turned to poetry during his caregiving years. “Creativity centers us in the moment,” he says. “It helps us practice gratitude, mindfulness, and empathy—without judgment.”

For Goble, connection with other caregivers is essential. “Isolation fuels self-criticism,” she says. “Hearing another caregiver’s story often reveals how unreasonable we’ve been with ourselves.”